Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
