Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
