May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
this boner is exhausting
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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