Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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