Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
