I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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