So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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