when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
we made out on top of his cat.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
