She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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