when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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