Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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