Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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