so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
