What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize