I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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