She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
