im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
