I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
