I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
