Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
