Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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