Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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