Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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