just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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