you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I AM VODKA MAN
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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