I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
