Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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