I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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