i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
