dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door