so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
