After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
