I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
