So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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