I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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