Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
