It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
