We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
