I wish my penis had an off switch
Can Purell be used as lube?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
