the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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