Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
