I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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