somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
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I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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