I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
