How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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