Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
