I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
