When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
