he wants to bone in the snuggie
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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