i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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