Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
