i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
