Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
