Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
