i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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