I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
